Antonio the Explorer!
by BelaLorelei
Summary: When Dora gets arrested, Alfred needs a fellow nation to fill in for one episode, along with a few of their friends. Who else but our favorite Spanish nation would even WANT to be Dora?
1. Antonio The Explorer!

**Hey everyone! ^_^ The idea for this CAME TO ME IN A DREAM! Sorry for the spaz attack. Anyway, the way this works is that Dora the Explorer is a live action show, and (of course) the Hetalians are real. Here it is, and please enjoy!**

"What the fuck do you mean Dora got arrested for passing bad checks? And to the mafia? She's only six!" Alfred cried. "But how is this my problem? It's four in the morning, and I didn't have my damn coffee yet. Do you know what that does to me?" Alfred F. Jones sighed. He did not like waking up at four, only to be told a six year old was arrested. He glanced at his bed. The pillows were tantalizing him, calling his name.

"Alfred, Alfred?" a voice repeated. Oh, that wasn't his pillow.

"Dude, I'm here, just hurry it up. Just be glad there's not world meeting today."

"Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to disturb you're sleep, but this is an emergency. Dora's been arrested, along with her friends! If we don't have a new show by tomorrow, angry parents are going to sue!" The president of Nick Jr. was frustrated.

"Okay, I get it, you want replacements. I'll send them to the studio today." Alfred hung up the phone, tired. Now how was he going to get a nation to stand by for Dora, while they found a replacement for the little girl. The nation would have to be stupid, good with kids, and know Spanish. Suddenly, he knew who to call.

THE RESULT OF THE T.V. SHOW

The scene began with a tan, handsome man staring at the camera. He was wearing a beaded bracelet, a pink shirt that slightly exposed his belly, khakis, a white backpack with pasta stains, pink shoes, and frilly socks. He was smiling happily at the camera, and standing in the middle of the forest.

"Hola. Soy Antonio!" the man said, still smiling. "You see, um, Dora's been having, um, you see-" he faltered, but was cut off by an angry looking money in bright red boots. He had a scowl on his adorable little face, and was throwing tomatoes at the spaniard.

"Listen up, chicos." the monkey flinched at using Spanish. He stopped throwing tomatoes at Antonio. "You're Dora's been fucking arrested for screwing with the mafia, something she shouldn't have done."

"Language, Lovi~. This is a show for los niños." he shook his head, which had only a slightly smaller smile. "Now introduce yourself." Antonio winced in pain, for he had been headbutted.

Going away from Antonio, the italian money introduced himself. "My name is Lovino, dammit." he blushed.

"Awwww! Lovi, you look just like un tomate!" Antonio tackle-hugged Lovino, who started resisting. They were oblivious to the magical tree that tried to speak to them.

"POR FAVOR!" the tree screamed, but the two responded with a confused glance.

"Who?" Antonio and Lovino both asked, staring at the tree that just appeared.

"I'm Matthew. Can you please help me?" the tree started to fade again, which made the two chuck crosses at it.

"Dammit! Antonio! Protect me from the ghost!" Lovino screamed, hidding behind Antonio. Antonio was too busy reciting prayers for warding off evil spirits.

"I'm not a ghost, maple. I'm Matthew, and I need your help." the tree started to cry tree sap.

"What do you think?" Antonio asked, turning to the camera. "Should we help the ghost-tree?" Antonio waited a lengthy twenty seconds before speaking again. "I think we should help, too."

"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Lovino asked. His question was ignored.

**SOOOOO What do you guys think? I'm sorry, I had to post this. I'll probably continue if I get bored, or have a writers block. Maybe if I'm just struck with inspiration. (THAT COMES FROM REVIEWS!) Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	2. Let's Help the Ghost Tree!

**Wow! I can't believe I got so many reviews! And they're not flames! How did that happen?**

**^.^ Sooooooo for those of you who ask questions, plot wholes shall be filed! Wait patiently, dear readers! And here's chapter two:**

"So, how can we help, ghost-tree?" Antonio asked, watching Lovino as he face-palmed.

"I'm not actually a tree! I'm the prince of the Maple Kingdom!" the tree sighed.

"So, then why the hell are you a tree, dammit?" Lovino asked.

Meanwhile, Nick Jr. was dealing with some nasty phone calls.

"What are you doing?" an angry mother shouted over the phone.

"Well, since Dora was arrested, we needed someone to take her place!" a nervous secretary responded. He looked around, and could see other office workers getting similar phone calls.

"That's not the problem! The problem is that monkey! MY THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER ASKED ME WHAT THE 'F WORD' MEANS!"

"I'm sorry! We were desperate, and we will try to convince the monkey to stop!"

Back to the episode!

"I'm a tree because the evil fairy king, Arthur, cursed me!" Matthew started to cry again.

"Well, at least he didn't destroy your armada!" Antonio's smile became psychotic for a few seconds, but then his normal smile returned. "Stop crying! Tell us what we can do to help, and we'll do our best! Right, Lovi~" Antonio turned around, but he couldn't find Lovino. Suddenly, a crash was heard and was followed by a stream of Italian curses.

After a few moments, Lovino re-entered the scene, with a large bandage on his forehead. "The producers said to make my language more 'child-friendly'. I'll show those bas-" he was once again cut off by Antonio placing a hand on his mouth.

"Shhhhhh, Lovi! Matgo is going to tell us what we can do to help him become a human again!"

"It's Matthew." the Canadian whispered. "I need you to get me a super special maple mushroom from King Arthur's realms. Can you help me?"

"Of course we can help you! Vamos, Lovi!" with that exchange, Antonio started walking, only to be stopped by Lovino.

"How the hell do we GET to the Evil Fairy Realm?" Lovino questioned angrily. The Spaniard laughed.

"How do we know which way to go?" Antonio asked, facing the camera. Lovino scowled.

"Who do we ask?" Antonio waited for what seemed like hours, but then finally responded to his own question.

"That's right, niños! We ask the map!" Suddenly, music started to play from nowhere. Lovino and Antonio spent ten minutes looking for Roderich Edelstein, only to be interrupted from their searches by an angry looking map.

"What are you idiots doing?" asked a very angry, though clean map.

"AH! Señor Map! Can you tell us how to go to the Evil Fairy Realm?" If the map had hands, he would have face-palmed just like the monkey in boots.

"Si." the Spanish sounded weird with his German accent. "I will tell you, but do not forget it! And no stopping for siestas! You gave your word to the ghost-tree."

"Alright, potato-map bastard." the map rolled his eyes.

**What do you think? Please review, and try not to leave flames... But I CAN print the flame and use it to toast marshmallows...**

**And is there anyone you want the duo to encounter? Thanks for reading! :{D**


	3. I'm the MAAAAAAP!

**I'm kind of amazed that people are actually reading/reviewing this... I think I love you all! Here's the next chapter, and I hope you enjoy it! :D**

"I might be Germanic, but that doesn't mean I worship potatoes like Ludwig or that moron Gilbert." Roderich sighed, and wished he had hands. As a map, he was incapable of playing the piano.

"Fine then, dammit. You can be a piano-bastard. Are you fucking happy?" Lovino said, eye twitching. Antonio turned to him, and subsequently jumped on him.

"Awwwwww~ does the tomatito need hug therapy?" Antonio cooed, hugging the fluffy monkey close to his body. "And don't threaten Roderich, Liz might be watching."

Lovino pushed Antonio off him. "I DON'T NEED YOUR MOTHERFU-"

"Lovino! Limit your profanities, por favor. We are on a children's show." Roderich interrupted. "And did you forget my existence? Without my help, you would definitely get lost!" Antonio and Lovino ceased their fighting to look at the map.

"Lo siento mi amigo, pero-" Antonio began, but after a look from the man behind the camera, he returned to English. "You don't exactly have the best sense of directions, señor." Roderich groaned, and wished he could facepalm. Scratch that, double facepalm.

"I'm following a script, imbecile. Just listen to me, so I can go home and be in possession of a real body again." Antonio stared at the map expectantly, and Lovino rolled his eyes. Antonio's deep emerald eyes were sparkling, and the Austrian knew what he wanted. "Must I sing the song?" The cameraman nodded yes, and Roderich began singing.

"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. I'M THE MAAAAAAP!" The aristocrat bowed, earning applause from an enthusiastic Spaniard. Lovino rolled his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time as Roderich sang. He made it sound like he was performing at a damn opera house or something.

"Okay, Señor Mapa! Where do we need to go?" Antonio asked. Suddenly, the screen was filled with Roderich's map-body. He started to give instructions.

"First, you go throooooough the Snowy Forest." A path lit up to show a blue road, surrounded by an evergreen forest. You could see five adorable bears in the forest. "Then you enter the Wurst and Potato Kingdom." There was a yellow castle with large pieces of wurst and potatoes surrounding it. There were two thrones, one with a potato on it, and the other with a wurst on it.

"Shit." Lovino said. His outburst was ignored by the people on set, but not by the parents watching at home.

Let's return to Nick Jr. for a moment

Xavier B. Fleginheimer was having a bad day. He received many calls from angry parents, but he hadn't received the worst yet. As a secretary, it is his job to take calls. He really hated his job.

Sighing, he answered the next phone call. Weird, it's from Switzerland...

Going back to our scheduled program

"Next, you climb OVEEEEEEER the Freedom Bridge." They showed a bridge that lit up red, white, and blue. There was an eagle on the bridge. "Lastly, you sprint through the Chinatown... Wait, why is there one here anyway?" Nobody responded to the Austrian's question.

"Alright, then you have to go under the Cave of Winter." A picture of a huge, intimidating cave was shown. "After that, you reach the Evil Fairy Realm. Any questions?"

"Can't we just go around everything, bastard?" Lovino asked, clearly troubled by this.

"No." Roderich disappeared back into the backpack.

"Gracias mapa. Now, let's repeat the directions!" Antonio announced, smiling at the camera. "We go through the Snowy Forest, down the path of the Wurst and Potato Kingdom, over the Freedom Bridge, go to Chinatown... He has a vacation home here? And then under the Cave of Winter."

"Can you repeat that for me, niños?"

"They can't bastard. It's WAY too complicated for your 'niños'." Lovino pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. "And when does this show end, dammit?"

"Not soon enough, Lovino. Not soon enough..." Roderich's muffled voice sounded from the backpack.

"But Lovi~ The show es muy divertido!" Antonio said, throwing his hands into the air. Yet again, our favorite Italian monkey-human-hybrid rolled his eyes. "Now, let's go help... Marhew?"

"It's Matthew, chigi!" Lovino replied, clearly frustated as they set off in the direction of the Snowy Forest.

**Did you like it? I had fun writing this chapter~**

**I love you all, and each review makes me smile! And inspires me to write more... Thanks again!**


	4. Let's go to the Snowy Forest!

**Another chapter! I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this! And thanks to RussiaROCKS and Katrina, why am I unable to respond to your reviews? SO UNFAIR!**

**Anyway, here is the next chapter! Please enjoy!**

After about five seconds of skipping silently, Antonio stopped short, turning his back to the looming forest behind him. Lovino simply rolled his eyes as he continued to walk, only to be held back by Antonio.

"What the fuck is it now?" Lovino asked, crossing his arms, shifting his weight onto one leg. He glared at Antonio, making him cringe slightly and rub his bruised arm. Merely moments ago the Spaniard attempted to get Lovino to cartwheel and sing some stupid song about going on an adventure.

Let's just say that the result was an injured Spaniard, a pissed off monkey, and many more calls from parents to Nick Jr.

Antonio put his smile back on and stared at the camera. "Do YOU know where the Snowy Forest is?" The Italian rolled his eyes again as opened his mouth to say something.

"Shhhhh, Lovi~" Antonio whispered and covered the struggling Italian's mouth. "Don't curse or los niños will be muy triste~" Lovino managed to push Antonio off himself, only to slam him into a tree.

"You want to know where the fucking Snowy Forest is?" Lovino turned to the cameraman, scowling. "Then look behind us! Chigi!" Grabbing Antonio, he stormed into the forest. After about a minute of running, the monkey and fake-Dora were hopelessly lost.

"Lovi, I think we're lost." The Spaniard told Lovino as they stopped running.

"You THINK we're lost?" Lovino screamed. "What the fucking hell gave you that damn idea?"

Antonio took a moment to think, playing with his beaded bracelet. "Um, we're in the middle of the forest without proper directions?" Lovino facepalmed.

"That was a rhetorical question, bastard."

Back at Nick Jr.

'Does Dora even air in Switzerland?' Xavier asked himself as he picked up the phone, keeping it a few inches from his ear. Normally the person who called would be screaming. Suddenly, another parent called, but this one claimed to know the higher ups. Xavier needed to take that call.

As the person from Switzerland started to speak, he interrupted. "I'm sorry, but this line is currently busy. Please hold."

And thus, Xavier forgot about the call from Switzerland.

Which was a very bad move on his part.

Returning to the Snowy Forest

"So what do we do now, bastard?" Lovino asked, sitting down on the floor.

"I know! We can ask for help!" Antonio said. He faced the panting cameraman, who had just caught up with the duo. "Can you say 'ayudame'? Say 'ayudame'!" Lovino simply stared at him.

"What the hell does that mean?" Antonio flashed one of his winning smiles.

"It means 'help me'." After waiting for one minute, five bears came into Antonio's view of sight. "Say it again, everyone!" After another minute of looking everywhere but the two, the five bears came to greet them.

"Hello you two!" One of the smaller bears called out. He was colored blue and white, and wore a beret. Looming over him was the largest and most intimidating bear. That one was colored blue and gold.

"H'll'." The bear attempted to smile, only succeeding in scaring the monkey. Shaking, Lovino cowered behind the Spaniard who waved at the second largest bear.

This bear was smirking, and was colored red and white. He was also bearing a large axe. On both sides of him were two other bears. Both were red, white, and blue. There were a few differences, as the one on the left was holding a bird. The bear on the right was wearing a beret like the first bear.

"Mathias..." Antonio smiled at the Danish bear. "Why did you get to keep your axe?"

"Because I'm awesome!" Mathias replied. "I'm not the only one, though."

"What do you mean?" The Spaniard's smile became twisted.

"Ivan, Natalia, and Elizabeta were allowed to keep their weapons too!"

"Shit." Lovino whispered from his spot behind Antonio. Remembering Lovino, the older man turned to his former charge. "No." Lovino said, sighing.

"Please?" Antonio pouted. Ever since the 'incident' with Francis, Lovino had been in possession of Antonio's battle axe, Maria.

"No, this is a fucking kid's show." Lovino protested. Antonio raised his eyebrow.

"So why are you cursing?" Antonio ducked as a tomato was chucked at his head.

"Shut up, dammit." The Italian replied, face reddening.

"Lovi, can I please have the axe? Please?" Antonio picked up the struggling monkey and held their faces close together. The shade of red on the monkey's face deepened, and he finally surrendered.

"Here's your damn axe. Happy now?" Lovino reached into his boot and took out the large battle axe. Antonio took the battle axe and dropped Lovino to the floor.

"Sí." Antonio grinned, and turned to face Mathias who grinned as well.

"EPIC AXE BATTLE!" The two cried at the same time.

"Not again." Lovino and Lukas, the second bear with the beret, sighed.

"Look on the bright side!" Tino, the first bear said happily. "If Antonio wins, you guys can pass!"

"And if he loses?" Lovino prompted as the Spaniard and Dane began their 'battle'.

"You stay here forever!" Tino smiled, but the cameraman frowned.

"That's not in the script!" He whispered. After a look from Berwald, the cameraman silently pretended he never said anything.

**I'm sorry this was so delayed! TT-TT I promise the next one will be up soon! Thanks again for reading!**


	5. Backpack, Backpack

**Yeah... I lied... I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY! BUT I'VE BEEN SO BUSY, AND I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A NEW FIC AND STUFF! TT-TT**

**Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hopefully my writer's block will disappear after this!**

"But it's more fun if Tonio has something to work for!" The Finnish bear smiled innocently as the Swedish bear glared at the poor cameraman.

Lovino sighed, and pulled his own weapon out of his boot. It was a Tommy Gun, and all the bears retreated as few steps. They knew the monkey wouldn't hesitate to shoot them. Rolling his eyes, he turned to look at the "Epic Axe Battle" between Antonio and Mathias. They seemed to be on the same level, a pirate/conquistador versus a viking.

"Oi! Tomato Bastard!" Lovino yelled. "If you don't finish him off soon, I'm leaving without you." Antonio's eyes widened as he pushed the Dane onto the floor. He quickly ran over to the Italian, hugging him.

"Looooovvvviiiiiii~ Don't leave meeeeeee!" He yelled, clinging to the now blushing Lovino.

"It's Lovino, dammit!" As Lovino tried to push the Spaniard off, they were oblivious to the stares of the five bears.

"Guys." Tino smiled.

"Get the fuck off of me!"

"Noooo! Lovi!"

"Yo! Tonio, Lovino!" An injured Mathias complained.

"Get the fuck off, bastard!"

"Lovi! Los niños are watching!" Antonio pouted as Lovino succeeded in throwing him off.

"Guys!" Tino tried again, this time yelling. The two quarreling Mediterraneans turned to the Finnish man. "You guys can pass through the forest now!"

Suddenly, the Baltic Trio appeared, clad in sombreros and ponchos. They seemed to be playing instruments, but the trio was horribly tone deaf. At hearing the distasteful attempt at music, the backpack started to shake a little, sensing the dangerous auras coming from the map.

"Ve~ Señor Mapa is scaring me!" The backpack cried.

"Feliciano!" Lovino cried, smacking the backpack "Stop being such a wimp." Opening the backpack, he shoved in his Tommy Gun and proceeded to glare at the Spaniard who was currently stroking his axe.

"Put it in, Antonio." Lovino scowled, as Mathias started giggling.

"That's what she said!" Lukas and Lovino both facepalmed as Antonio laughed as well.

"Dammit Antonio!" Lovino groaned after a minute of watching the overjoyed Spaniard. "Put the axe away!"

"No!" Antonio cried, hugging his precious axe to his chest. After "The Incident" he never wanted to be separated from his axe again. Lovino sighed again and proceeded to rip the axe out of Antonio's hands. The Italian knew he had a disadvantage in strength, but he had something Antonio couldn't fight with.

That's right, Lovino had a cuteness factor. And who can resist an adorable, pouting monkey in boots? Not a pedophilic Spaniard!

"Por favor, Antonio?" Lovino scowled, but he was still a giant fluffball. Antonio quivered under Lovino's large eyes, and finally let go of both the axe and the backpack. Lovino first placed the backpack on the ground, and then proceeded to stuff the large, double-sided battle axe into the small, stained backpack.

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME EAT?" The backpack screamed. "THIS IS NOT PASTA! IT TASTES LIKE METALIC SHIT! IT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS EN-ARTHUR'S FOOD!" The monkey snickered as he watched the fake-Dora attempt to console the sobbing backpack. It was amusing, until he recalled that the five bears and cameraman were still watching.

"No, Feli!" Antonio complained. "You have to say 'Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, delicioso!'" Lovino rolled his eyes as he walked over to Antonio and Feliciano.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Lovino asked as he dragged Antonio and Feliciano to their next destination. The Potato and Wurst Kingdom.

Yay.

Let's visit Xavier for a moment!

'I hate my job.' Xavier thought for what seemed like the millionth time. To make sure that the Nick Jr. secretaries answered all the phone calls, the boss ordered them all to work overtime. Xavier turned to the woman who sat at the desk next to him.

"Hey, Ava." The woman turned to him. She had long red hair tied up in a bun and bright green eyes.

"What do you want?" Ava asked, sighing.

"Wanna go out to-"

"No." Xavier frowned as he picked up the next call.

Returning to your scheduled program.

As soon as they exited the forest, a castle could be seen in the back round. However there was a single tree in the way, and the cameraman smiled expectantly at Antonio. Said Spaniard cocked his head to the side as Lovino facepalmed.

"Where, oh where is the castle?" Lovino asked, scowling. Antonio's eyes lightened up when he noticed Lovino staring at the camera.

"Lovi~" Antonio yelled. He jumped on the now blushing Italian. "I'm so proud of you, amigo!"

Lovino pushed him off, and onto the floor. "Whatever, bastardo."

"Lovi, I think it's over there!" Feliciano whispered.

"No fucking way!" Lovino set off in the direction of the castle, and Antonio simply followed behind. As they neared closer to the kingdom, Lovino noticed that the rivers filled with water were slowly changing to a golden color. Kneeling down, Antonio tasted a little.

"This tastes like German beer." Antonio smiled. "We must be getting closer~" Lovino's scowl deepened at the thought of nearing The Wurst and Potato Kingdom. He could only guess which countries were the sovereign of that land. They continued walking a little bit further until they reached the castle moat. Unfortunately, it had no drawbridge.

"Feli," Lovino swallowed. "We need some help." Antonio's face brightened as Feliciano pretended to snore. The overly enthusiastic Spaniard faced the camera.

"Can you say mochila?" Antonio waited a lengthy five minutes. Feliciano pretended to stir in his sleep.

"Say mochila, everybody!" Suddenly Feliciano rose into the air, smiling. He opened his mouth, but as soon as he did he started to cry.

"Hermano!" Feliciano cried. "I can't remember the words to the song! Now we'll never pass the moat and see Luddy!"

"It doesn't fucking matter!" Lovino screamed, exasperated. "Just give us something to use so we can cross the damn moat!"

"Okay!" Feliciano's waterfall of tears stopped as he opened his top. All that came out were different types of pasta. "You can have spaghetti, ravioli, fettuccine, or linguini!"

'How will that help us?' Antonio thought. Lovino looked thoughtful for a moment.

"We'll take the spaghetti" The monkey had a determined air as he reached for the long strand od pasta. Lovino threw the spaghetti into the moat. Upon reaching the beer-filled moat, the piece of spaghetti expanded until it was large and sturdy enough to be a bridge. Without a second thought Lovino crossed the make-shift bridge. Once he was across, Antonio carefully walked across to meet Lovino on the other side.

"How did you know it would support us?" Antonio asked the monkey.

Lovino shrugged. "I'm Italian, I know these things." Feliciano giggled.

"Anyway, gracías Feli~" Antonio thanked Feliciano as he flew back onto Antonio's back.

"De nada!" Feliciano chirped as they entered the doorway. The three of them gasped at the sight that welcomed them.

"It's so..." Antonio began.

"It really is..." Feliciano's eyes opened in amazement.

"German." Lovino scowled.

**I truly apologize for the long wait! I hope I can get the next one up sooner... ^.^'**

**Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed it! Even if you hated it, please review! It truly makes my day~**


	6. Enter the Wurst and Potato Kingdom!

**Hey there everybody! I really want to say thanks for reading/alerting/favoriting/reviewing this almost crack-fic! :D It truly means so much to me! Okay, and I have news for everyone! My friend and I started a role-play here, so if you want to join just remove the spaces: h t t p : / / .net/forum/Hetalia_Role_Playing/104245/**

**Thanks! Please hang on and enjoy~**

"Holy María." Antonio exclaimed in awe. Never before had he ever seen such a Germanic little area. There was a beer fountain flowing. People were walking around in lederhosen and eating German pastries. They were playing songs by Beethoven throughout the village, and a couple of people were even yodeling. The village was painted in reds and golds. Hell, this village was more German than Oktoberfest.

Noticing the newcomers, one of the many lederhosen-clad citizens came to greet them. "Welcome to The Wurst and Potato Kingdom!"

"Oh fuck no." Lovino muttered under his breath.

Ignoring the easily angered monkey, the citizen continued. "We're proud to have the largest potato fields in the world, and we're renowned for making the best wurst!" It was obvious that this citizen was content with his kingdom. "And we also have the most amazing king and crown prince!"

"Ve~" Feliciano exclaimed. "Take us to your leaders!" Antonio laughed.

"We're not aliens, silly~"

"Will you two shut the fucking hell up?" Lovino screamed, his eye twitching. What sane person would want to live in the Wurst and Potato Kingdom? And did these idiots forget their original quest?

Antonio smiled as he hugged Lovino. "Hug therapy!" He announced, trying to keep his hold on the struggling Italian. Feliciano laughed, and landed himself on his brother's head. Meanwhile, the good citizen of the Wurst and Potato Kingdom was desperately reading his handbook on how to deal with people from the Mediterranean. After finding the correct section, he read the page. He skipped over most of the chapter, until he found the Spanish and Italian subsections.

'Just give them tomatoes.' was all the page read. The citizen nervously turned to the trio, seeing that they were following him.

"Just take us to the potato bastards." Lovino sighed, watching the German regain some stoic features as he lead them to their palace.

Xavier learns to fear the Swiss.

Still disappointed at being rejected by Ava, Xavier picked up another call. The person from Switzerland seemed to have called again.

"Don't you dare hang up on me!" A man could be heard on the other side of the phone. "Do you know just how much money this international call is?"

"No, sir." Xavier wasn't quite sure why, but he was terrified.

"Well, it costs more than it should!" The other man huffed.

"I-I understand, sir."

"No, you don't understand." The Swiss man's tone of voice began to morph. "My little sister was watching this show when that damn Antonio and his stupid friends appeared."

"I'm sorry sir, but we understand and we're doing our best to fix it. But I need to take the next call, an-"

He was cut off by a threat that Xavier somehow knew was not a bluff. "If you hand up on me, I swear I will come to your office and hunt you down with my sniper."

"B-but." Xavier stuttered. He held the phone with a shaking hand until his co-worker, James, "accidently" pressed the button to hand up the phone.

Back to the Wurst and Potato Kingdom.

After about five minutes of jogging (yes, jogging) to the palace, they finally arrived. The palace was an ugly beige marble color. It was a gothic style, and had large, spotless windows. Once they arrived in the grand entrance hall, they saw a familiar face, who (unfortunately) had some (unwelcome) theme music. You see, when Gilbert found out he was to be king, he decided upon three things.

One: He was going to relive the old days when he was a world power.

Two: He would only have the most awesome theme music.

And three: Every day between three o'clock to five o'clock, there would be German Sparkle Partying. And yes, the time was 3:30. It was time for some (unwelcome) sparkle partying.

"Hola Gilbert!" Antonio yelled over the sound of German Sparkle Party. His albino friend was currently dancing with some chicks.

"Hey, my almost-as-awesome-as-me amigo!" Gilbert exclaimed while his chicks chirped. They matched Gilbert's shirt, which was also a bright yellow. Gilbert also wore an intricate crown and cape, but to make his outfit more casual he wore shutter shades and a pair of jeans.

"Are you sparkle partying?" Antonio yelled while grabbing a beer and making his way over to his friend. Lovino grumbled and clutched his head, he REALLY hated the song German Sparkle Party.

"Where's Luddy? Ve~" Feliciano asked from his spot on Antonio's back.

"Sí, we are sparkle partying in celebration of the awesome me. As we do everyday. And East will be here in a few minutes, he just finished training."

"Okay." Feliciano pouted.

Lovino scowled and sat down at a bar that was in the middle of the throne room on a kid's show. 'T.V. These days...' Lovino thought as he picked up a beer. He tried a sip, but then threw it on the floor.

"This tastes like shit!" He howled, just as Ludwig entered the room in his own party gear. Seeing the mess on the floor, Ludwig cringed, cleaned it throughly, and then made his way over to his hermano.

Before he could send out his greeting and try to read his script, he was tackled by the purple backpack, who had a war cry of "!"

The taller German man had to admit he had never heard that one before. His face turned to a darker red as the backpack kissed both his cheeks.

"You look like un tomate~" Antonio giggled, his green eyes shining.

"Speaking of 'tomates'." Gilbert began. "Where is your unawesome tomatito?" Gilbert turned his head to see something that scarred his soul. The cameraman was drunk on German beer and was following a fleeing Lovino, who was shouting all the profanities he knew. Which was a lot.

"Lovi!" Feliciano and Antonio screamed at the same time. They leaped into action as Antonio pulled out his axe and Feliciano pulled a white flag from his insides. Smiling, Antonio stalked over and pretty much made the cameraman pea himself. He dropped his camera and ran out the door, never to be seen again.

Meanwhile, Lovino was picking a fight with some of the Germans to forget his terror. He said both Italy and tomatoes were way better than Germany and potatoes. The Germans disagreed, and as fights like these lead to, an all-out brawl happened. However, the odds were unfair as Lovino had a machine gun. It was even more unfair that Lovino had terrible aim unless he was really focused.

What pretty much happened was Antonio and Lovino destroyed the daily party, injured a few Germans, and managed to make it look like a tornado had came through the throne room.

All in five minutes.

"Antonio! Not awesome!" Gilbert cried, surveying his ruined sparkle party. "I hate to do this, amigo, but you offended my people. GUARDS!" A group of men came out from behind the pillars. They wielded longbows and long swords, but they were not very intimidating. They too were donned in party outfits for sparkle partying.

"SEIZE THEM!"

Ludwig shook his head as Feliciano was pulled off Ludwig's arm, crying and waving a white flag. Lovino and Antonio put up a much better fight. Lovino was both fleeing and shooting, while Antonio was glaring menacingly while stroking his axe. Needless to say, more people were afraid of Antonio. After about thirty minutes and reinforcements, all three were restrained and were being loaded into a cell.

Ludwig decided to follow, only to tape the show. He wasn't worried about that trio. What gave you that idea? He sighed as he entered the dark dungeons, sealing his fate.

"I had always wanted to say that!" Gilbert whispered to himself happily once he was alone. Noticing that his hermano was gone, he went over to the bar and treated himself to a beer.

**And another chapter finished. The next chapter's going to be lots of fun, I promise! Until next time, everyone! Don't forget to review~**


	7. JAIL BREAK!

**Welcome back to the Wurst and Potato Kingdom! Just kidding... :D Anyway, I really want to thank you all for everything. It truly does mean a lot to me that you read this, and I haven't even received any flames! TTATT I LOVE YOU ALL! Here's the next chapter, and I hope you enjoy it.**

"Ve..." Feliciano cried. Lovino, Antonio, and Feliciano had been sitting in the cell for about six hours now, bored and weaponless. María had been taken away from the now sulking Antonio, and Lovino's boots were also confiscated. To make matters worse, Roderich woke up from all the commotion and had been lecturing them for the past three hours.

"...and that is why you do not mess with German Sparkle Parties." Roderich concluded, drawing a groan from Antonio.

"This is not what I signed up for." Antonio sighed, turning to look at the sleeping Lovino. He sighed again, even louder. He was only met with a snore form the Italian.

"Ay caramba!" He cried. "Is that a potato in Feli's hand?" Lovino woke with a jolt, reaching for his machine gun. Noticing it wasn't there, he reached for the spoon that was served with the stew they were supposed to eat.

However, none of the four so much as touched the stew. Yes, they were all gourmets.

"Damn potato!" He screamed. Turing to Feliciano, he saw no potatoes. Hell, turning to Feliciano he saw no hands to hold the potato with! "Antonio! What the hell is your problem, bastard?"

"Lo siento, Lovi." Antonio said. "Pero, es muy aburrido!"

Lovino chucked the spoon at Antonio's head. "Stop speaking in simple Spanish, bastard!"

"But los niños need to learn español!" Antonio whined. He crawled his way over to the monkey. Said monkey immediately smacked him in the face.

"Don't hurt hermano Tonio!" Feliciano cried. He launched himself at Lovino. "Hu-"

"If you finish that sentence, I'll sick the mafia on your ass!" He screamed, pushing Feliciano off.

Roderich sighed, and decided to make a suggestion. "Instead of fighting, why don't we work together to break out of here?"

Antonio smacked himself. "Why didn't I think of that sooner?"

"Because you're a moron." Roderich answered, craving for both cake and his piano.

"Lovi~ Am I a moron?" Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Yes, you are." The Austrian and Italian said at the same time. Antonio pouted, and went to hug Feliciano.

"And you can't read the atmosphere too, tomato bastard." Lovino found a paperclip and began to straighten it into something he could use to pick the lock of the cell.

"I can't read the atmosphere either!" Feliciano announced, smiling at Antonio.

"Really?" He gasped.

"Will you two shut the fuck up?" The monkey screamed. He carefully reached for the lock, only to be stopped by a large, meaty hand.

"No, Lovino." A very familiar German said.

"G-Luddy!" Feliciano yelled, recognizing the voice. He waved his backpack strap in an awkward attempt to wave. Antonio released the struggling backpack, and Feliciano jumped for the bars of the cell.

Roderich rolled his eyes. "Let us out, Ludwig." Ludwig sighed, and refused.

"Por favor?" Antonio asked, giving Ludwig a large smile and puppy eyes.

"No, and I cannot let you escape." the German said.

"Why not, potato bastard?" Lovino complained, wishing he had something, ANYTHING, to throw at the German. Wait, there were more spoons! Lovino picked one up, and threw it at Ludwig. It bounced off his head.

"That's why." Ludwig picked up the spoon and threw it back in the cell. It hit the now crying Feliciano on the head.

"!" He cried, extending his backpack straps out of the cell.

"You bastard!" Lovino screamed, disgusted with Ludwig.

"That's mean." Antonio shook his head.

"I must agree." Roderich nodded.

"Wh...I...Ugh..." Ludwig hung his head, admitting his defeat.

The Xavier Chronicles

"You... bastard..." Xavier shook his head, staring at the snickering James. James was easily the most handsome yet devious man in the office.

"What was that?" James asked. Xavier put the phone down and rose from his seat.

"You just sentenced me to my death!" Xavier screamed. He ran around the office, flipping over papers. If he was going to die soon he would live now, dammit!

Back with Ludwig and his shame

"Fine." Ludwig sat down against a wall, facing the captive people/animals/inanimate-objects-that-can-somehow-speak. Ludwig sighed. "I've been watching your adventures and I've been keeping a notebook to record what you all are doing and-"

"That's creepy as hell, you stalker!" Lovino interrupted. Lovino went back to working with the lock, until he let out a cry.

"Fuck yes!" The lock opened, and they exited the cell to meet with Ludwig. The German silently handed the boots to Lovino and the axe to Antonio.

Suddenly, an alert bell rang and fully armored guards and Gilbert came into the dungeon. "West?" Gilbert said, feeling betrayed.

"Lo siento, hermano." Ludwig said. Lovino gigg-chuckled at his butchered pronunciation.

"PORQUE?" Gilbert fell to the floor in a dramatic fashion, with a spotlight hanging over his head. Unfortunately for the Prussian, his dramaticness was ruined by the chirping birds surrounding his head.

Looking up from his dramatics, he noticed that Antonio had taken Ludwig hostage. "Antonio?" He asked.

"Eheheheh... Hasta Luego! We're still on for drinks viernes, right?" Antonio ran through a conveniently placed door, leaving the Italians and the Austrian to stumble after him. Ludwig was being dragged by the collar of his shirt.

Poor Ludwig.

When the five left the room, Gilbert made the guards leave. "So not awesome." He whispered to himself. The Prussian was lonely again, but it was okay. He liked being alone anyway.

**That's all for now! Thanks everyone, and be sure to come back next time! **

**Oh, and by the way, I'm drawing close to my 60****th**** review! * throws a party with her dog * I've decided, the 60****th**** reviewer will get to make a cameo~ So, please review and tell me what you think so far! :) Hasta Luego~**


	8. Francis No Molesting!

**Hello to all my beloved readers~ I'm sorry I've been taking so long to update... Apparently in my school play we have hell MONTH instead of hell WEEK! TT-TT Yeah, I'll stop pitying myself now and get on with it all.**

**Oh yeah! And this chapter has a cameo won by my friend FallingDown98. I hope you'll enjoy her~ **

After making a dramatic escape from the Wurst and Potato Kingdom with Ludwig, Lovino decided the German would hold their camera. Antonio complied with the monkey's request, delighted that he didn't have to drag around the camera. Lovino tended to pick on him with tasks like those sometimes.

"Can you please let me go now?" Ludwig asked. He was being dragged by a leash supplied by Austria. Nobody was quite sure why he had it; and the others decided it was best not to ask questions.

"Nope!" Antonio cheerfully replied. Lovino, content with the answer, threw Antonio a cherry tomato. He caught it in his mouth. "Gracías, Lovi~" Lovino scowled, and threw a larger tomato at Antonio.

"Don't call me that, you bastard!" He screamed. Antonio tried to duck, but the tomato hit him in the face.

"That wasn't nice, Lovi."

"Do I look like I give a damn?"

"No?"

"Again, that was a rhetorical question." Lovino rolled his eyes. Once they were safely away from the borders of the kingdom (they could tell by the beer river), the group slowed down.

"Okay, where do we g-" Antonio was cut off by a girl flying down from the sky. Upon closer inspection they saw a helicopter hastily retreating. The girl must have been pushed out of it. She landed on Ludwig, making him fall to the floor.

"Mierda..." Ludwig cursed. The girl, realizing that she was crushing the German, jumped off. She was unhurt, for some reason. The girl was in a pair of jeans with a pink shirt. She had brown hair and eyes, as well as a purple head band with a flower attached.

"Who are you?" Roderich asked, his voice muffled by the backpack. Lovino sighed. Normally, he would try to score a date with the girl, but he was a monkey.

"I'm Alli." She responded. They remained in an awkward silence for a few moments until Feliciano broke the awkwardness.

"Why are you here, Alli? Ve? And do you like pasta?" He interrogated.

Alli turned to look at Feliciano. She smiled. So cute~ "I'm an intern at Nick Jr. They sent me to be a cameraman." Ludwig gave a sigh of relief. He handed the girl the camera, and turned to Antonio.

"So, can you let me go now?" The Spaniard turned to the elder Italian, waiting for an answer. He shook his head. "Nope~" Antonio said. Lovino tossed him another cherry tomato. The taller brunet caught it in his mouth.

Suddenly, Feliciano gasped. "Wait! You didn't answer the more important part of my question, ve! Do you like pasta?" The girl opened her mouth, only to be interrupted by Lovino.

"It doesn't matter, stupid!" Lovino crossed his arms, ignoring the now pouting girl holding the heavy camera.

"Ve, it does!" Feliciano argued.

"Ohonhonhonhonhon~"

"Feliciano, I must agree with your hermano." Roderich said.

"Nobody asked you!" Lovino screamed. The girl opened her mouth again, wanting to ask someone about the strange laugh she was hearing.

"Ohonhonhon!" It sounded again. This time, Ludwig heard it too.

"Everybody shut up!" He yelled. Lovino snickered.

"Hey, potato bastard!" Ludwig turned to face the Italian. "You're not the one who's capable of giving orders right now!" Ludwig switched his glance to his collar. The German sighed, forgetting why he had asked them to be quiet.

"Ohonhonhonhon!" The laughter came, a little bit more forcefully.

"What's that?" Antonio asked, cocking his head to the side. Lovino's mouth curled up in disgust.

"Francis, get away you perverted bastard!" He was preparing grab María out of hammerspace.

"How did you know it was me?" He cried. Alli tried to shield her eyes as France emerged from the river. He wore nothing, except for a pair of cat ears and a mask. He also had a rose covering his "special place." The other members of the group weren't that surprised; they were used to the Frenchman popping up at random times. Without clothing.

"I-It was your obnoxious l-laugh!" Lovino stuttered. He hid behind the Spaniard.

"Lovi~ You wound me, mi amor." He clutched his chest, making his way over to Antonio.

"Ay de mi! What do we say now?" Antonio said, turning to Alli. She struggled to turn the camera to face Antonio.

"Swiper no swiping?" Feliciano asked, confused. Antonio frowned and made a "SHHHH!" noise.

"You were supposed to let los niños say it." Feliciano teared up.

"Lo siento!"

"Just shut up, bastard!" Lovino rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as Ludwig and Antonio ran over to the crying backpack. Suddenly, he remembered the Frenchman praying on them. "A-Antonio! Say i-it quickly!" Francis leered and slowly came closer. Together, Antonio, Alli and Lovino said "Swiper no swiping!" three times.

It didn't work.

"What do we do now?" Lovino panicked. Alli was wishing that she could disappear; Francis was undressing her with his eyes. As Francis advanced, Romano began to squirm. Alli was becoming nervous as well, bu then her phone rang.

"Y-Yes?" She answered.

A few minutes before in Xavier's office cubicle

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" Xavier had been running around like a chicken without a head for two hours now. Many angry parent's phone calls were still on hold, or had been transferred. James and Ava had been exchanging glances.

"Xavier!" Xavier's boss finally arrived at the scene. "Sit down! You're not going to die!" Xavier pouted and began to calm down. His boss surveyed the scene while his eye twitched.

Multiple desks were flipped over. A couple of chairs had also been torn apart. Two windows were cracked, and a pigeon was calmly strolling around the office. Most of the office workers were hiding near James's cubicle. James was, after all, the most sneaky and talented man in the office.

"XAVIER!" The boss screamed. A vein on his forehead was popping. "IF YOU DO NOT GET TO WORK RIGHT NOW, YOUR ASS IS SO FUCKING FIRED!" Xavier swallowed and went back to work. He straightened his desk and read the assignment his boss gave him.

Returning to Antonio the Explorer!

"Hello. Is this Alli, the intern?" The voice on the other end asked.

"I-It is." Lovino was now hiding behind the trembling girl.

"My name is Xavier." The girl sighed. Was she supposed to care? She needed some serious help, dammit! "I know how to get rid of Francis."

"TELL HER ALREADY, YOU BASTARD!" Lovino shrieked, hearing the conversation.

Alli headed the instructions, then hung up the phone. She whispered what to say to Lovino, who nodded.

"Francis no molesting! Francis no molesting! Francis no molesting!" The girl and monkey chanted together. Antonio was cheering in the back round. Lovi was finally getting involved!

"I'm so proud of you, Lovinito!" Antonio smiled.

"Get off me, you ugly bastard!" Lovino tried to push him off. Neither noticed Francis still walking closer.

"Hola." Francis whispered into Antonio's ear. It was obvious that he was trying to be sexy.

"Hola Francis!" Antonio instinctively placed the monkey behind himself while talking to his friend. "You should have left by now!" Francis came closer to the Spaniard, placing a hand on his chest.

"No~ I'd rather stay." Francis kissed Antonio's cheek. Alli was visibly moving towards Feliciano and Ludwig.

"G-Go away!" Lovino cried, clutching Antonio's pink shirt. Francis laughed obnoxiously when he saw Lovino's now tear-stained face.

"Look, it's hermano Francis!" Feli smiled, flying over to the Frenchman.

"Hola Francis." Ludwig said, following the backpack. Francis's face morphed into one struck by fear.

"IT'S LUDWIG!" He screeched, hiding behind Alli.

"That's very undignified behavior, Francis." Roderich commented. Alli looked like she was going to explode as Francis tightened his grip. As Francis's hands found their way to, erm, another part of Alli's body the girl dropped the camera.

"I think I'll be taking my leave now!" Francis announced, giving the German some uneasy glances.

"Adíos!" Antonio and Feliciano waved as Francis ran off, dragging Alli with him. Cries of "HELP ME!" could be heard.

As Francis continued to retreat, Lovino began to relax a bit more. He pushed Antonio off of him, and turned to the only blond man there. "So, potato-bastard. You're holding the camera again." Feliciano cheered, latching onto the newest member of their group. Ludwig merely sighed and picked up the camera.

**Did you like it? It took me forever to make this one! :) Anyway, the first five reviewers of this chapter get to become office workers! (And meet Switzy...) Thanks again~**


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